I prattle when I write...

"I'd show them the stars
And the meaning of life
They'd shut me away
But I'd be alright
Alright...

I'm just uptight..." -Radiohead

"...and I showed the clouds how to cover
up a clear, blue sky." -Johnny Cash

"I know we're all insane when there's no one else around.
I don't want to go outside. I would rather hide." -Joseph Arthur


Some people are just hard to love.
My naturally sunny disposition probably makes my above list a little longer than average. It also probably puts me on a lot of other peoples' lists.
But this weekend it was never more apparent how imperative it is that I love them anyway. There were three specific instances that reminded me, and it was funny how I reacted differently to all three.
I'll get specific on one: Saturday night in Kalamazoo, there was this ~10~ year old kid in front of us at the NOD. He was chatty and excitable to the point of being obnoxious. And boy, did he ever love me and Brian. At every opportunity, he would turn to describe, at length, the cars he liked and why he liked them. Or to interject in our conversation to inform us that slow and steady, in fact, does not win the race. Or to ask us if the onslaught of driving rain was, "getting us very wet?"
It was funny at first, bewildering at second, and by the time third rolled around, we were contemplating the trouble we would be in for stabbing him with our umbrella.
But cooler heads and little bit of Grace prevailed and I not only avoided infanticide, but ended up engaging the kid more and more. By the end of the night I found him almost tolerable. It just amazed me that God works completely counter-intuitively...by doing the one thing I didn't want to do, namely, talk to the kid more, I found him far easier to deal with and far easier to love.

The second and third involved people with no social wherewithall. Nothing gets on my nerves more than people who don't have a social speech censor. I suppose its partially because I spend way too much energy picking my words and my moments. What's funny is that my best efforts don't make me any more of a social firecracker than these people that bug me so much, they instead make me boring and standoffish. Whoops.
Anyway, at one point while in a social situation, one of said spectacularly unmuted persons was on a roll, really firing on all eye-roll-inspiring cylinders. I glanced over at a friend who gave me a wide-eyed white flag of disbelief. I was at my breaking point. In the past, I've been known at this point to say something really snide and cutting to shame the offender into silence, but again Grace intervened. I just burst out laughing. I put my head in my hands and laughed until it hurt. No one really understood why, but after that, I didn't find he/she so annoying, just amusing. And being able to put myself in their shoes, their social helplessness became kind of endearing. I even made some stupid jokes to help them out. And by the time I left, Grace really allowed me to LOVE them, not just put up with them. And that was an amazing feeling.

The third time was a similar situation, but reasons I won't get into made it a little harder just to laugh it off. I actually started off poorly. I got fed up and was my sarcastic and belittling self for a while. But at some point, again, God stepped in and I was able to grit my teeth, take some deep breaths and just let it go. There are some things you will never change about people, and getting upset about it certainly won't help me love them. And realizing that was the important part.

So basically all this is pointing towards is just some serious praise that God stepped in this weekend and gave me strength that I didn't have. And made me realize again that it's God's love that we use to love others, and without first being full of God's love, we will fail and fail again on our own. Kind of an obvious lesson, but I suppose we all need to be reminded of just difficult simple things can be.

PS. I find it fascinating, psychologically speaking, that some people start to prattle when they get insecure, because I react exactly the opposite way. So if you ignore them, they talk even more because you're making them more insecure! And then it follows that if you validate their prattling with a genuine response, it actually makes them calm down instead of prattling more. That just blows my mind! You're all WEIRDOS!! ALL OF YOU!!

Music

wow... right now I am watching Roy Orbison play alongside Bruce Springsteen and Elvis Costello on PBS (circa 1987). And it's just the best damn thing I've ever seen. I am on the verge of tears. This is what music should be like. They are playing with a ten or so piece band and I've never seen such a formidable group of musicians play together so seamlessly. There is no bandstanding, no showing off, no "look at me" moments. They just respect and admire each other and are playing for no other reason than to make good music. And it's just beautiful.

Not to mention Orbison's voice, at age 51, hadn't lost a ounce of potency. He could still nail 4 octaves and slide from octave 1 to 4 without a hiccup. I would almost buy a 45 just to play his vinyls and listen to it in its original glory. That man just transcended rock in so many ways, and people still don't quite get it. It's tragic that he will be remembered for "pretty woman" and his dark sunglasses and nothing else. Although those sunglasses were pimp.

You watch Springsteen, already a rock god at this point, playing not just backup guitar, but second backup, to Orbison, and being genuinely excited during every single song just to be there. He had begun his slide into "too big for his britches" stage, but this moment, this slice of the sublime, just totally humbled him. Amazing stuff.

Orbison would die a year later.

Here is some other stuff I'm listening to at the moment. Download it if you like music.

Pete Yorn - For Us (see what emotion and some real singing chops can do to a rather pedestrian song)

Phantom Planet- By the Bed (as close as you'll find to lyrical genius in pop rock. Not only is it a sick song, but every line is instantly relatable and it says so much in so few words. We can all learn something about picking our words carefully.)

Radiohead- Subterranean Homesick Alien (this is the song where they perfect the soft/loud dichotemy)

Calexico- All Systems Red (Emo kids, take note: Let the music scream instead of you.) (yes, this blog is named after this song)

Cat Power- The Greatest

Drive-By Truckers - Daylight (nothing like an amazing hook to fix that broken heart)

The Frames - In the Deep Shade

M. Ward - Sad, Sad Song

Modest Mouse- Long Distance Drunk (what a freakin beat. seriously.)

Guster - One Man Wrecking Machine (I could listen to the part where he says "...maybe get in her pants. Whatever." about a jillion times. That's GOLD I tell you!)

Autumn, and that which comes with it

There has never been such a thing as a slow transition into fall. One day you are prancing around unawares in your shorts and sandals and all of a sudden there is that snap of crisp air (if it made a sound, it would be like cracking open a peapod), and the next day you are wearing jeans!

For some of us, this transition signals more than just the last beach day of the year. You either look at the change from summer vacation to the fall semester as going back to reality...or leaving it. As more of us have real-ish, full-time employment during the summers and live with our schools out of sight and out of mind for three months, it can feel more like a return to surreality.
As I approach turn 1 of my Calvin victory lap, I definitely feel the latter. In fact, I feel like I'm stuck in some awful 20-something purgatory, wallowing with a foot in the real world and another still in school. And I hate it. The last four years of my life have transmogrified--rather grotesquely-- into one small embossed piece of paper that I need in order to get out of purgatory and move on! (as a side note, my English major is appalled that this WYSIWYG editor doesn't support the em-dash, and my syntaxical flair is reduced to four ugly hyphens)

I went to a Calvin soccer game this weekend, and I definitely felt like I didn't belong anymore. And I don't.
I don't really know what this means for me or my future...just that I want out, and I want out now. But I can't get there. I have to finish school. Duh. But I need to keep this job, one for the money, and two, for the opportunity for the future. So instead of getting out fast, I have to just keep wallowing here, taking a few credits, working, and praying for May. So if you happen to pray for me, pray for May, too. (Some people tell me May is inevitable. But it doesn't feel like it at the moment)